The saying goes, “There is someone for everyone” and I agree, however, I expanded this sentiment to,
“There is someone for you whether you are healthy or unhealthy. If you desire a healthy relationship, you must become emotionally healthy.”
If you are emotionally unhealthy, you will attract and be attracted to a very different person than when you are emotionally healthy. When you are emotionally healthy your interests, desires, energy and tolerance are very different.
- Emotionally unhealthy people (E.U.P.) operate from a space of conflict whereas emotionally healthy people (E.H.P.) collaborate
- E.U.P. can be hostile whereas E.H.P. seek peace
- E.U.P. can be verbally abusive (misuse voice) or silent (does not use voice) whereas E.H.P. articulate their thoughts and feelings in attempts to foster understanding
- E.U.P. have difficulty trusting others and being vulnerable whereas E.H.P. know trust and vulnerability are part of healthy relationships and fosters intimacy.
- E.U.P. hurt other people and are an active participant in their own pain, whereas E.H.P. are aware of their emotional wounds, made their healing a priority, have the ability to articulate their former (or healing) wounds to another and make a conscious effort to avoid anyone or anything that would exacerbate it.
- E.U.P. accept and/or participates in unhealthy behaviors (i.e. deceit, manipulation, abuse, infidelity, etc.) whereas E.H.P. are responsible for and own their behavior in all situations and has no interest in engaging in these behaviors because it conflicts with their emotional health.
It is possible for ‘unhealthy’ to be your default or even comfortable, especially if it was or is your familial norm. It is easy for unhealthy to become ‘normal.’
The first step to liberating yourself is to assess your life and relationships by asking yourself,
- Am I doing my best?
- Am I happy with my life?
- Are my actions leading to favorable results/outcomes?
- Are the people in my life lifting me up or dragging me down?
- Are my behaviors and thoughts supporting or sabotaging the life I desire?
- Are my words (what I say I want) and behavior (what I actually do) aligned or in conflict?
It is not the responsibility of another to heal, fix or save you. You are the only one who can make sustainable changes in your life. Each romantic partner is a teacher, an opportunity for you to become a connoisseur of you. Together you two serve as mirrors reflecting your images back to self. Do you like what you see? The reflection is you, not your partner. If you don’t like the reflection it is time to begin working on yourself to become emotionally healthy. – Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS