Ahhhh there it is, we saw this one coming a mile away *sigh* The blame game card Tasha pulled from her back pocket along with a list of expletives towards Lawrence. At Love Grows we teach that regardless of the situation, it always comes back to you. This is why it is so imperative YOU do your work and become a connoisseur of you. If Tasha knew who she was and what does and does not work for her, she would:
- have known a man directly out of a long term relationship who was also the recipient of infidelity is NOT in an emotional or mental space to co-create a monogamous relationship.
- have had emotionally mature conversations with him BEFORE having sex to learn more about him, where his head was, etc.
- have asked direct questions (i.e. what are your intentions? What are you looking for? Etc.)
- have used her voice (i.e. I desire a monogamous relationship, etc.) and NOT her body to communicate what she desired
When you do not ask direct questions, I term this setting up a ‘victim loophole’ where you relieve yourself of your role and responsibility in a situation.
I believe people do not ask these questions because once they receive an answer that does NOT align with what they want and if they decide to move forward with the situation ANYWAY they are now fully responsible for their action, behavior and outcome. They can no longer say they were tricked, lied to, bamboozled, hustled, sold a dream, led on, etc.
When you do not ask:
- Are you married? Engaged? In a relationship? Dating someone else?
- What are you looking for?
- Do you or have you ever had ANY sexual encounter with a man (receiving, giving, oral, anal, etc.)?
- Are you sexually active with anyone else?
…or any other host of questions you are sending the message that these topics/answers/etc. are not of importance to you (as we see Lawrence did not provide any of these answers; but to be fair the conversation was never had). The victim loophole is not applicable to the sociopaths who knowing lie and sell a dream. This is in reference to you (like Tasha) not taking ownership of your relationship experience. YOU are a part of the relationship and have as much of a right and responsibility to KNOW and define the space. It is not 100% on the man. Again, this is why YOU need to know you.
When you know self and what works and does not work for you, it does not matter who HE is because you already have your boundaries, expectations and are clear on what you desire.
If you only want a sexual relationship, then own it, say it and adhere to those rules.
If you want a monogamous relationship, then YOUR behavior MUST align with your words. If your historical markers (past experiences) continue to support that your behavior of meeting a man, having sex, then trying to fast track a relationship with him has NOT worked for you; then perhaps it’s time you try a different approach.
When you are ready to try something different, we are here (firstname.lastname@example.org). – Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS