In my practice I encounter women who have not or are not receiving what they desire from the man they are dating even after they have had a few direct conversations. The things they desired were not outlandish or unreasonable instead they were what I consider basic courtesies such as honoring your word, being consistent, responding to text messages-calls, planning dates, holding hands or some other sort of PDA and growing the space. Per my recommendation, instead of making assumptions or expecting the guy to be a mind-reader, the women had direct conversations with their men articulating what they desired in a romantic space and although the men said they heard them, agreed and would make the changes, unfortunately their behavior did not change.
I am reminded of a dating experience I once had. I met a gentleman and we hit it off immediately. We had great, open conversations about all sorts of topics and the space seemed to flow effortlessly. I was honest in the beginning (before we began dating) that I was dating with a purpose, I desired a monogamous relationship and wanted to be married and have a baby. I think this conversation is imperative because there are many reasons people date (i.e. casual, for sex, to expand social network, short or long term dating, etc) and it is advantageous to ask them directly instead of assuming their reason is the same as yours. He said he desired the same thing and we continued to move forward. In the beginning he was very attentive: planned dates, we communicated daily, the conversations and our time together was fun, intriguing and there was plenty of chemistry. We spoke about expectations, past dating-relationship experiences, sexual past, family, etc.
It seemed to be going great! Then his behavior began to change. He was no longer consistent, he may or may not respond to my communication and the dates decreased significantly. I asked him directly about it, we had a conversation in which he apologized and vowed to make improvements. Some time went by and when his behavior did not change I inquired again and even said,
‘Hey if you are no longer interested for whatever reason, say that and we can go our separate ways; no harm no foul.
He assured me he was still very much interested, he was not dating or interested in anyone else and was enjoying our space.
However, his behavior did not change. By this point I was no longer receiving nor having the type of dating experience I wanted so I did something about it. I left the space, because he was not the only one who could determine the direction of our space, I had the same power. I contacted him one last time and formally closed the door, respectfully with no drama. The truth is despite his words, his behavior revealed we were not in the same space moving at the same pace.
Relationships are co-created by both parties, men are not the gatekeepers nor do you have not wait for him to end it for you to move on.
If you are not having the type of experience you desire, use your voice to express this to him. You cannot change him nor make him do anything he does not want to do; however, you can decide to move on if you are not receiving what you very much desire and deserve. Unfortunately, some people are conflict adverse and opt for a passive aggressive approach in which they change their behavior (or return to their authentic self) in hopes you will get frustrated and leave sparing them the responsibility of formally ending or closing the space.
Yes, we all desire closure and if he does not offer if, you also have the power to close the space. The reason ‘why’ he no longer wants to be with you is not important ONLY that he does not. It does not matter if:
- he met someone else
- returning to his Ex
- his mother does not like you and he can't move forward with you
- is not ready
- is still heartbroken from his 4th grade break-up and does not trust women or love…
The 'WHY' does not change the outcome. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you and their BEHAVIOR AND WORDS demonstrate this. You have the power and the responsibility to co-create the life and romantic relationship you desire. – Misha N. Granado, MPH, MS